"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
