We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
