you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
