I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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