When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
