My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize