i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
