marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm like, not good at living.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
