sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize