moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
