the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
