the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
