New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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