Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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