All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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