watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
