My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
