three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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