I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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