Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just pee around me
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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