I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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