saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
