i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
