Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
