last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
