the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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