I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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