I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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