I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
