the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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