You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
