I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
