Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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