I just made out with a guy for $7.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
