Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
