how do flat chested girls get laid?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Randomize
