Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Can you bring me the toilet please
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
