I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize