pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
