i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
