I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
