Who wears a wallet chain?!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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