Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
