Just cropdusted the office
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
