dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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