Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
