Got a toothbrush?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
