His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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