i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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