The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You were trust falling into bushes
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
