Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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