do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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