Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
