You made me cry and you don't even care
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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