I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
