im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
