Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm at about main and main street
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
