Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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