Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
