Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
