you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
