Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
